When should a therapist show anger in a session?
Here are a couple of times I have openly shown anger in a session. Keep in mind that if a therapist lets anger show, it’s calibrated to the client, and never threatening or frightening.
1. Timmy was 11. He’d been sexually abused by an uncle for years. After some therapy, he started to say he hated the uncle, a kid way of encapsulating and disempowering his abuser. One day he was talking about the abuse in an angry voice. I said “Timmy, I am so angry with your uncle for doing that to you!” Timmy sat up straight, looked me in the eye, and nodded a few times. Apparently the timing was right. I asked what he’d do if someone tried to mess with him again. He said, pretty loudly “I’d kick him in the shin and holler and run like hell and find an adult.”
2. In a family therapy, I noticed dad was a minor bully toward both teen boys and the mom. Mom was… resigned, and sighed a lot. Dad kept explaining everything, projecting blame. One day Dad was complaining about the younger boy, who started to cry. I let my frustration show: “Is there a dad in the room? I need a patient, powerful, competent dad to help me with this kid!” Dad said “I give up. I don’t know what to do!” I said “Perfect! You used to play football. Can you still accept coaching?” He did. I put on my coach persona and close-managed a conversation between the kid and his dad. The family therapy really started at that moment.